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CHRISTIAN
SINGLES
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CHRISTIAN SINGLES : GUIDE TO
ENDING LONELINESS AND DEPRESSION Cont.
Chapter 22. Three Dangerous Words And What They Have
To Do With The Runaway Bride!
While SHAME is defined as a painful sense of guilt over anything
degrading, unworthy, immodest or disgraceful, GUILT is “commiting an
offense, a willing violation of a legal or moral code; a feeling of
remorse arising from a real or imagined offense.” But watch when you
add “less” to each of the words! Guiltless means “innocent.” But
shameless means “brazen, immodest, indicating a lack of modesty or
decency.” To be without shame is bad, but being without guilt is good.
In Facing Shame, Fossum and Mason demonstrate the difference
between guilt and shame as it is seen by the person feeling them: “While
guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one’s
actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person. The
possibility for repair seems foreclosed to the shameful person because
shame is a matter of identity…not of behavioral infraction. There is
nothing to be learned from it and no growth is opened by the experience
because it only confirms one’s own negative feelings about oneself.”
Toxic shame may have driven Mr. Hacking of Utah to murder his wife
and dispose of her body in the trash. The fact that he chose a dumpster
is, in itself, very telling, when he could have buried her or hidden the
body elsewhere. Tragically, she may have represented to him an
unraveling of his lies built upon lies, as everyone found him out and
saw his shame. Therefore, she had to be discarded, to hide it. He may
have planned to move away and keep up the pretense with his family, to
spare them shame. It’s frightening to see how destructive toxic shame
can be, when a man from a very stable, good family could be turned into
a mad man. This tragic story reminds us to see ourselves as the Lord
does. Do not be enticed by success or favor in the community to try to
be something you are not, but accept yourself as worthy and valuable no
matter what others might think. This man’s toxic shame caused him to
imagine he had to be someone else, and not himself to be acceptable, and
his perception was wrong. I hope you will value yourself and accomplish
whatever you dream of, but never allow that to determine your worth. Be
thankful, Christian singles, you have friends in High Places, meaning
our sweet Savior, the holy angels, and that “great cloud of witnesses”
who are cheering you on! You are valued because of what’s in your
heart, not your education, or other accomplishments. They are just icing
on the cake!
Toxic shame can cause self-abuse, a form of punishing yourself. Some
teens and adults cut themselves, or hit their heads on the wall to cause
pain. This seems to bring them temporary relief from guilt and shame.
But it is never enough because their well of shame is bottomless. It is
a tragic result of toxic shame and they need intervention to help them
stop. Many youths have escaped this self-abuse after receiving God’s
forgiveness for their sin, and a new life (and a renewed mind) from the
Lord. It’s amazing to see the change Christ makes when youths reach
out to Him.
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